Teaching Kids Self-Regulation Skills Around Food: It’s Hard to Leave Well Enough Alone

I have a confession to make. After working in the field of disordered eating for 25 years, I still made a grave mistake this morning with my own teenagers. I drove into their lane and told them how and what to eat instead of letting them self-regulate. It was not my proudest parent/nutrition therapist moment when my daughters didn’t have the stomach for breakfast and I said, “I didn’t buy avocados so they could get dumped in the compost.” One of my daughters is recovering from COVID and still has an off sense of taste, so food can sometimes be nauseating. I know I’m being an anxious mom when I push food on her. I also worried that my other daughter had ultimate frisbee practice later in the day, and told her that not having a good breakfast might harm her muscles.

This is all true, even though I know the golden rule about parenting teens. Telling them what to do — especially about things they are meant to be responsible for themselves (like choosing what and how to eat) — will backfire.

Royally.

Now, if I had a teen with an eating disorder who was teetering on the brink of hospitalization or losing weight when they should be growing, it would be good limit-setting for me to tell her/him/them that social or sports participation will be limited if they don’t eat a good meal. In this case, I could be saving a life. I strongly encourage parents to enforce no social or athletic time if food isn’t eaten in the case of a chronically under-eating teen. I also think it was okay to tell my daughter she could be five minutes late for school to eat her breakfast. Priorities.

However, I crossed a line just after my twin daughters (they love to gang up on me) started blaming me for being late for school. I was up early so I could shower before the morning drive. I made them their favorite avocado toast and bacon, so I was upset when they didn’t eat it. I felt that rejection of mama-food-love that I wish I didn’t take so personally. I reminded them that I’m not an alarm clock, and they need to clearly tell me if they want a morning nudge at a particular time. And, despite my nudging, they are ultimately responsible for getting up on time for school at age 16.